Northern California, December 27, 2010 – In a stunning scientific breakthrough, a cannabis researcher known as “Old Hippie” has created the ultimate stoner goodie: Nutella that gets you high.
“CERN has their Colliding Hardons and their God particle. Well, I just came up with the OMG Topping”, said Old Hippie, who was high as a fucking kite after eating several pieces of bread schmeared with his own creation. “This magic substance both causes and cures the munchies simultaneously, thereby preserving the balance of nature and saving the planet from its own silliness.” He then picked up a cat and told it several dirty jokes in the form of complex equations. The cat jumped down, licked its thighs provocatively, and walked away with its tail held high.
“But what will you call it…Pot Topping? Hazy Hazelnut Spread?” this reporter asked.
“Sorry…there is only one possible answer. Since /r/trees is where my people hang out, it shall be known as…Entella”, said Old Hippie, shortly before turning into a fairly good simulacrum of Dali’s The Persistence Of Memory.
You will not be able to buy Entella at your local supermarket any time soon. You will not even be able to buy it at your local dispensary. But if you aren’t too high to follow these instructions, you will be able to make it yourself!
How To Make Old Hippie’s Entella
OK, folks. I got this idea a week or so ago, and it took a lot of work to make it happen…and it just about took all Christmas Afternoon and Night to make sure it all worked and tasted right. I just want to thank Uncle Buck for showing me that it is indeed possible to make stuff that tastes great but doesn’t taste like weed…otherwise I never would have believed it or even figured out how to make this work. And Happy Holidays and New Year…this is my presENT to all of you!
By all means, please pass this recipe around, but do it by sharing the URL, as I’m sure I’ll make improvements to it over time, and this way everyone will have the most up-to-date information. Thanks in advance!
Entella looks like Nutella. It tastes a lot like Nutella (except the milk part). And yes, it works like crazy. So FFS, don’t eat it the way you usually eat Nutella (i.e. without stopping) or you’ll get way too high 🙂
And it only takes about 1/2 hour to make if you have all the (right) ingredients. So here’s the list of ingrediENTs (you knew that was coming, right?):
- Hazelnuts (unshelled, raw hazelnuts): between 1 and 2 cups
- Cannaoil: between 3 and 5 tablespoons (the big ones 🙂
- Cocoa powder: 1/2 cup (see Notes at end)
- Powdered sugar: 1 cup (also see Notes at end). Do not confuse with cocaine; that involves C notes instead.
- Salt (regular, not kosher): 1/8 teaspoon
- Vanilla Extract: 1 teaspoon
You will also need the following:
- a food processor (don’t even try this with a blender as it will probably burn out)
- a hammer (optional)
- a bunch of measuring spoons and also measuring cups for dry measurement. These are different from the usual glass ones with numbers and lines. I’m only making a point out of this because I’m writing a recipe for people who are high.
- an oven
- and a baking sheet! Whoa, almost forgot that one
- aluminum foil (optional but recommended)
- towel (I swear, this isn’t a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy joke)
- vacuum cleaner (you’ll need this if you use the hammer)
OK, the biggest problem is literally going to be finding hazelnuts (unless you live in Oregon). Then your problem is going to be finding the right hazelnuts.
See, hazelnuts (sometimes called filberts), are not sold just anywhere, because they are not especially popular (eat one raw and you’ll find out why…meh). So you’ll have to look in very well-stocked large supermarkets or health food stores, unless you’re patient enough to find the exact right thing online and have them shipped. I was so excited to even find any after trying three places that I bought two bags. Now, I didn’t even know what they really looked like or anything so I’m going to save you the hours of preparation that I went through. Here’s what I bought:
All the recipes I found online for making Nutella at home talked about how you have to heat them up to remove the outside, but none of them mentioned one important fact: they have to be out of the shells for this to work. The outside skin is what you find when you remove the nut from the shell. Removing the nut from the shell is a pain in the behind, but it’s even harder once you’ve heated them up without knowing this!
So if you bought nuts with shells and you don’t happen to have a nutcracker handy, you will have to use a Big Honking Hammer (see below). Take the nut and hit it smartly and sharply with the hammer. Once you get the hang of this, you will end up with the nut perfectly removed from the shell maybe 80% of the time. 10% will be smashed but you can still use them. The other 10% will be all over the kitchen with the shells. That’s what the vacuum cleaner is for.
You may be tempted to use pre-chopped hazelnuts. These are not only way too expensive in quantity, but liable to be old, oxidized, or otherwise not tasty.
So anyway…here’s what you do. Put the aluminum foil on the baking sheet so if any nuts burn, they don’t screw up your baking sheet, also did you ever try pouring hot nuts off a flat baking sheet? Set your oven to 350°F. Put the nuts on the foil, put the sheet in the oven, set your timer for 10 minutes. If you go for 15 minutes (like I tried when I was researching every variation of every recipe), you will burn your nuts.
So wait for your timer to ring or beep, but keep your nose ready for that wonderful smell of roasted hazelnut. These things are like coffee beans, they’re not much until they’re roasted. Don’t worry if they turn really dark, that’s just fine, but black and smoking is burned. The good news is that only a few usually burn, so just throw those away.
Now turn your oven off, we’re done cooking. Take the sheet out and put it down in a safe place on something that won’t burn. This is a good time to dampen your towel. Foil cools off very quickly, so as soon as it’s cool enough to be safe, carefully pull up the corners of the foil so you have a little foil bag with the nuts inside.
Now pour all the nuts into the damp towel and roll them around and play with the towel with all the nuts in there. You’re not being kinky, you’re removing the outer skins of the nuts, which taste bitter. And the water is there because you’re messing with nuts right out of an oven and this helps you not burn your hands, also it creates more friction for taking the skins off. If you happen to have a colander, that would be a great thing to now pour all the nuts into, so the pieces of nut skin (wow, that sounds weirder than it really is) fall out through the holes.
Now take the nuts and put them into your food processor with the big-ass chopping blade, and turn it to high speed. You’re going to run the nuts in there for about five minutes and they’re going to be crushed, then chopped, then after enough heat from friction…they will actually melt and turn into butter.
You’re almost done, I swear.
Put all the powdered ingredients into the food processor. Now add 3 tablespoons of cannaoil. Run the food processor for another minute or so, and everything should be blended. Now, open up the top of the food processor and use a spoon to test the consistency. It should be more liquidy than regular Nutella, because you’re going to have to store it in the refrigerator (no preservatives, plus you probably touched everything) and it thickens up to the right consistency in there. So if it’s too stiff, add some more cannaoil to loosen it up a bit 🙂 If you do, run it for another 30 seconds to mix it in.
Now you’re done, and you can have a party right there and if there’s any left, you can store that in the refrigerator, but it won’t last for months the way Nutella does. On the other hand…it probably won’t last a week in your house the way you eat this stuff…we’ve had our eye on you for some time.
- I happened to have some really strong cannaoil around. If you’re making it just for this recipe, make it strong too, because you can’t use much oil in here.
- If you use unsweetened cocoa powder (which is the most common type), use the recipe as stated. If you happen to have sweet cocoa powder, use 3/4 cup of that and only 1/2 cup of powdered sugar.
- Entella will take about 30 to 45 minutes in the refrigerator (after you first make it) to get to the proper consistency, if you can wait that long. When you store it in the refrigerator, take it out before you use it and let it get to room temperature, and it will be magically back to the right consistency again.
- Remember, this is a medicated edible. It can be used as a terrific way to take doses of your medicine, but please start slowly. Try one piece of bread coated with Entella to start, and wait at least 90 minutes for effects before you try any more. And do not leave it around unmarked, especially where a child might find it. There is absolutely no taste of weed in this stuff, so there is no warning to innocent users.