Sigh. Life isn’t always easy, even when you think things are going pretty well. Or some would say…especially when you think things are going pretty well.
I haven’t written anything here in about six weeks, not because I didn’t have anything to write about, but because I’ve been overthinking again, I guess. I felt like I had my depression well under control, and we had just finished a successful trip to the High Times SF Medical Cannabis Cup. I had taken some decent photos and gotten some great material for lots of articles.
And then a bunch of things happened. First, I uploaded a set of pictures the first night I was back and proudly posted them to /r/trees — as if I was on some deadline and couldn’t wait to finish an article about it here — but literally nobody saw them. That hurt my ego, so to get back at myself I didn’t write an article.
Now I was feeling sorry for myself, but then Felicity came down with some mystery ailment involving a lot of pain, swelling, and several visits to the doctor over a few weeks. I’m hoping to write about our approach to this particular new challenge, because it involved much higher doses of Canna Caps than we ever thought we’d be dealing with. But although she’s finally getting back to normal and it wasn’t anything actually serious, it really stopped her from most all normal activities for a solid month at least. And it took a great deal of my time and energy too, in terms of caring for her, helping her figure out which capsules to take when, doing chores around the house for both of us, etc.
All this made me feel even worse, because I lose a lot of my hope and self-esteem and drive when my love and partner is sick, and part of me felt that I should have been able to take better care of her (I’m notoriously hard on myself). So I fell back into some old mental habits and patterns, such as a writer’s block like I haven’t seen in over 30 years, and then beating myself up for not writing a number of articles I had promised would be finished many weeks before, which of course led right to the same kind of depression I was dealing with 5 years ago.
Then I decided I would write this article to explain it all, and I’ve been staring at that blank screen for over a week now.
So it was just this evening that I said to Felicity…”Hey! You know what, I’m depressed again and back to a lot of my old habits, and all I’ve been doing has been taking heavy indicas to numb myself so I could fall asleep, so what I should do is go Back To Basics and help myself feel happy again, so it’s Sour Diesel and Kiva chocolates for me!”
Well, I did procrastinate like hell after that anyway, but then again…I got this article done in one sit-down. So things are definitely looking up!