Sigh. Life isn’t always easy, even when you think things are going pretty well. Or some would say…especially when you think things are going pretty well.
I haven’t written anything here in about six weeks, not because I didn’t have anything to write about, but because I’ve been overthinking again, I guess. I felt like I had my depression well under control, and we had just finished a successful trip to the High Times SF Medical Cannabis Cup. I had taken some decent photos and gotten some great material for lots of articles.
And then a bunch of things happened. First, I uploaded a set of pictures the first night I was back and proudly posted them to /r/trees — as if I was on some deadline and couldn’t wait to finish an article about it here — but literally nobody saw them. That hurt my ego, so to get back at myself I didn’t write an article.
Now I was feeling sorry for myself, but then Felicity came down with some mystery ailment involving a lot of pain, swelling, and several visits to the doctor over a few weeks. I’m hoping to write about our approach to this particular new challenge, because it involved much higher doses of Canna Caps than we ever thought we’d be dealing with. But although she’s finally getting back to normal and it wasn’t anything actually serious, it really stopped her from most all normal activities for a solid month at least. And it took a great deal of my time and energy too, in terms of caring for her, helping her figure out which capsules to take when, doing chores around the house for both of us, etc.
All this made me feel even worse, because I lose a lot of my hope and self-esteem and drive when my love and partner is sick, and part of me felt that I should have been able to take better care of her (I’m notoriously hard on myself). So I fell back into some old mental habits and patterns, such as a writer’s block like I haven’t seen in over 30 years, and then beating myself up for not writing a number of articles I had promised would be finished many weeks before, which of course led right to the same kind of depression I was dealing with 5 years ago.
Then I decided I would write this article to explain it all, and I’ve been staring at that blank screen for over a week now.
So it was just this evening that I said to Felicity…”Hey! You know what, I’m depressed again and back to a lot of my old habits, and all I’ve been doing has been taking heavy indicas to numb myself so I could fall asleep, so what I should do is go Back To Basics and help myself feel happy again, so it’s Sour Diesel and Kiva chocolates for me!”
Well, I did procrastinate like hell after that anyway, but then again…I got this article done in one sit-down. So things are definitely looking up!
It’s good to know that you’re able to help yourself having been through this before. I wish you both of you good luck and don’t beat yourself up!
Thanks for your compassion and wishes. Nugs and hugs!
Keep your head up, man. We don’t all respond, but we all love reading your blog!!!
This article is about a year old, so I don’t know if you’ll notice this post, but I just read it and could totally relate. I know everyone experiences depression differently, to some extent, so I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I felt like I did 🙂 From someone else who struggles with chronic depression, don’t be too hard on yourself!! The fact that you are functioning and able to help your spouse is AMAZING. Every single things takes more effort when someone has depression, and we tend to forget that, especially, as you said, when we’ve been doing better for awhile. Make sure you still take time for yourself, to rest and recharge, and remember to congratulate yourself for everything you DO get done in a day (instead of just thinking about everything you didn’t do that you wanted to/felt you should do). Also, I find your blog amazingly helpful, thanks so much.
Cheers!
Thank you very much for your thoughtful words of support! I hope you’re feeling better too! Hugs and nugs!
Dear OH;
Stumbled (quite happily!) on your site just an hour ago, merrily researching away and found this post. Had to reach out to you personally.
I have only recently discovered the Wonderful World of Num-Nums, as we call it. And it truly is wonderful! I have chronic physical pain and anxiety/ depression up the wazoo….PTSD, Panic Disorder, DDD….every letter in the damn alphabet, I think! And I’m sure you know the feeling of “ya gotta laugh”.
But as a Survivor (not a victim anymore), good ol’ Mother Marijuana has been my companion and solace for years. As I’m growing older I’m finding smoking less enjoyable and edibles far more agreeable on many levels. Who’s gonna hassle an old lady eating cookies?
I’m going to try the little dipper cannabutter recipe today, and would like info about subscribing to your site.
Meantime, remember you are not alone, Brother. It’s a daily battle we wage….and maybe we can’t always Win, but we can sure as hell run for the money.
Keep writing!
Your Friend,
Kate
Wow! And there’s one I never heard of before…DDD! Being more of an old telephone freak, my first thought was Direct Distance Dialing (which proves how old I am I guess…people today don’t realize what a big thing that was back then!).
Anyway, great to have you aboard! And subscriptions are free always. Thanks for the encouragement! Nugs and hugs!
Hello again, Friend!
I know “your” DDD quite well – I strongly suspect we are from the same Era, timeframe, and certainly Century! Damn I love that…born in the last Century… freaks the Grands out!
Actually, what I’m referring to is Depressive Disassociative Disorder.During times of extreme stress, my brain will literally ‘shut down’ as a coping/defense mechanism– and not in a happy way! I’ve ‘come to’ before missing several hours or in an entirely different location. Strange, right? One of the very few reasons I’m grateful for cell phones!
Edibles are a wonderful treatment. Smoking is okay but not as pleasurable…my Dis episodes have all but dis- appeared. For the most part, I’m loving life.
Wanted to tell you about the Little Dipper Cannabutter. STOOOO-PENDOUS!!! Can do one stick of butter to a quarter oz. and up purportionally…don’t bother adding water either. Decarbed, butter, & let it go. I did 6 hours and it was Whopperbutter, with no overpowering taste. Yummy. And the easiest cookie recipe ever – 1 box favorite cake mix, 2 eggs, 1stick cannabutter. 325 till golden/puffy,will be slightly soft and wholly delectable!
Sorry for being long-winded. But hope you willtry the recipe, and my warmest wishes to you and the Lovely Felicity….
Kate
Oh, I like you! And I get every one of your subtle little typographic jokes, too, brava!
“Born in the last century” is a good line indeed, but unfortunately we have to share that with our own kids, so it loses a bit of impact with them.
The brain shutting down is quite common in a lot of conditions. Those of us with ADD find that happening when we’re getting Too Much Input (and BTW, this has been confirmed via live brain scans). People with PTSD have it when being triggered by past memories. And it happens to virtually everyone when under great stress, to the extent that even trained soldiers or police sometimes find themselves unable to do things like reload their weapon in combat.
Glad you had such great results with cannabutter…the simpler, the better! I tried the “water method” once and couldn’t stand the smell and the extra work…it’s only good for people who don’t have access to stable heat sources, I think. And I happen to have a box of cake mix around, so I will have to try those cookies, thanks! Nugs and hugs!
OH, OH,OH, (Remember the kid in school who almost peed when they had the answer…..)
So enjoyed your letter! I know it’s called a post…don’t chide me now….but don’t you sometimes miss the anticipation at the mailman; the pleasure of opening the envelope; the wonder of the paper and ink? And you could save it, reread it, keep it forever??
Oh, the sling and arrows we Ancients suffer at the hands of Progress!
Crazy old cookie lady off on a tangent. Please forgive, haha!
Re the mighty cookies. I cannot take credit for the cookie recipe, wish I could. I’ve called them Cheater Cookies for years: everyone thought I was the coolest Mom coz I always made fresh cookies! It’s off a cake mix box. Try them with spice cake mix–ooooh! Add a little fresh or powdered ginger for zip if you like. Wait, be right back…..
Sorry, couldn’t talk with a mouth full of cookies.
And line the cookie sheet with parchment for cleanup. Bliss.
Now for something entirely different. I deplore waste, so I was looking for a way to use my leached out weed. Try this one out! Mix your buttery mess in a 1 part leach to 2 parts Italian seasoning blend. Add to soups, stews, sauces, and even meatloaf. If used judiciously it adds a lovely depth of flavor and leaves your eaters wondering and wanting more! Dontcha love that?
Well, off to begin another day. Really enjoy our chats, my Friend: let me know what you think of the recipes!
Consider yourselves hugged…..
Kate